Thursday, December 22, 2011

ask and you shall be given, seek and you shall find

we always hear this line 'ask and you shall be given, seek and you shall find'. up to this day i held it true till i realised otherwise. only moved to arizona for four days and i am feeling a little down..and not expecting to take this long to adapt. gave up my life and friends in the name of love and not necessarily happy being stuck in this one bedroom apartment talking to my chicken ready for roast or trying to expend my energy on the machines in the gym, i try. i love my bf but when your life is being sync into his and every consideration is toward his work, his time,it does feel rather strange. 
i always say the equation to celine's happiness = love+a lot of food+a lot of physical intimacy..simple as it sounds, its hard to achieve. here in cactus land, a lot of food nor bubble tea is not an option, so the former and latter somehow i thought will have to compensate for it. unfortunately, its not happening the way i wished it would. 
why in the world am i always the one who's initiating a long passionate kiss or even need to make appointments for any love from bf to bf?they might ask 'why do you need to make appointments?'..how funny..isn't it cos if i hadn't been waiting this long and not knowing what and when, then i would not have had the need to put myself on your calendar to make myself feel better..who wants to make an appointment for a deep french kiss or dance in the kitchen?seriously. why can't we remember to live like everyday is the last day and even with weary work, we attempt to snap out of our boring routines and not be just potato couches or only interact in front of the glaring box?why can't we tell people how much we love or miss them constantly or even a stranger how good she looks walking down the street as there might not be another tomorrow? perhaps, i am the only follower of carpe diem and have become too demanding in anyone's views. boys tell me they are not in the mood, or they are tired, which i understand and i keep waiting,from weekdays to weekends then weekdays come back again..endlessly... yes of course, my life is sync with theirs, but do they even realise i have my times and my moods and my timely needs too?never keep a scorpio waiting for too long..for it might be long gone...
funny how when you are feeling blue, you talk to your friends and they tell you how a 'rockstar' you are and of course not literally but you are 'a star who shines too brightly'.. was a really sweet gesture and it brightened my day up a little. but to be honest, i rather have my beloved bf whom i adore so much telling me that rather than another guy. then i wondered, why is it so hard to compliment someone, and thinking upon it, i do not remember my bf ever complimenting me except the few occasions in my cooking. in fact, the only thing i remember clearly would be him nagging at my every outfit i try to put on and not telling me how good i look in any of them. then you ask shamelessly for a compliment and still not get it which drives me to think why men think only they have egos to boost and not women?they need to be assured and be thought of Gods but which girl does not want to be thought and adored like a Goddess?
laying here on his bed, i remember his smell n it awakes me, telling me how  much i love him,how much i wanna spend the rest of my life with but also on the same bed, i feel like a human bolster.. to someone who's like greek God, good to see and not allowed to touch..and as if i am here to serve him..this loss of touch makes me feel surreal and scares me a little. will i end up being like his ex? is he losing interest in me?somehow, his craziness for me seems to have fizzled while i am the one still going crazy alone...
my dream of frolicking in the sand and making out under the stars can perhaps be only kept as a dream. it saddens me and i hate myself for not having enough patience. ask and you shall not be given as have learnt..so that shall it be.. i had enough of asking, enough of waiting. boys get tired, girls get tired too. i am tired now, going back to sleep...and dear diary, thanks for listening..hopefully now i will not feel so lonely and will keep dreaming...or i just need more time..more time to adjust and smile again..yet another emo day...