Tuesday, July 5, 2011

2011 dream

in the break of dawn am i writing this, awakened by a dream..or perhaps a nightmare i consider it. i have not written in months as i always put up happy thoughts and i love putting up happy thoughts. today, i am writing otherwise. 

had a dream. i was in boat sailing to a destination and when i got there, i was connected to a vast space, loft like with many rooms. with my bag, i walked past a room with a glass door, and saw a guy on the phone chatting away (this guy i have been dating last two months). i called out to him many times. he did not hear me. he was too busy with his life. and i was not part of it.

i walked on along the corridor and met some strangers that i did not know. suddenly, my two beloved kitties appeared and they seemed a little dirty from the newly cemented floors. i picked them up, walked further on and heard a familiar voice. it was the voice of my last bf in a room. i took the kitties to the washroom and started cleaning them while i hear my bf rambling away to how nice the loft is and all. minutes later when the kitties are bright and clean, i walked back to the room and my bf's image just suddenly faded away like ghost. 

awaken from this random dream, i teared. even though it was a memory of the past from half a year ago, the pain shook me. this was a relationship so close to me, so close to happily after and when it ended so abruptly, i was thrown from heaven to hell. my happy family of momo, toto, me and him was shredded into pieces, leaving me in a frozen park in the midst of a new york winter...where for the first time i did not even feel the icy cold for two straight hours cause i was already cold to begin with. too cold, with the warm tears rolling that also turned to ice. 

looking back at my love life, i had many breakups. bfs cheating to one that had his brother compose a breakup email on his behalf, or boys who just dump you for no good enough reason. i begin to realise, my heart is so shattered that i have none left to break despite trying to heal like humpty dumpty. 

there is no right nor wrong in relationships, only love or no love (at least in my view) and i never regretted any good or bad ones i been through,not even flings. everything happens for a reason, i tell myself and in the last one, i put in 200 percent effort and was dreaming of a happy ending. now i am back to square one, dating all over again to discover that men like you, or they say they like you but has a glass door and you can only enter when they want you to or rather when they have time and have no one else to entertain and need a booty call.

why is love so hard?why can't i be like normal people around me who loves and gets loved?being abnormally tall is already difficult enough to grow up and deal with all my life. can't i just have love being easier?just one thing i ask for..other people fat or short or skinny or ugly seem to find love,like picking an apple off the street. friends tell me i am not picky enough with men. that is so not true. i do not view boys as commodities coming along with price tags and i should only pick those with multiple digits. it is all about attraction,about passion, how much you like and have chemistry with each other and how they can share and support you in your life. perhaps i should learn. learn that having the five or six Cs like any other singaporean women will be a better and easier choice. but what is love without passion?

sometimes i wonder, when people are together for a long time, do feelings change?does passion turn to compassion?does love really turn sour?of course it happens, and it definitely is a scary thought and i hope that will not happen to me. i want to be happy, i want someone to make me happy and i want to make them happy and hold my hands for the rest of my life. i am just a simple girl with simple wishes.

was attempting to jog around my estate the other day and ran past this young couple. they apparently went grocery shopping and had a heavy bag or probably rice. one bag two hands..they both carried the same bag with one hand together and it was really sweet.that is the perfect picture of how love should be. it put a smile on my face and i also wondered when will i have the luxury of enjoying some sweet love in my own life. but for now, i have no room for heartbreaks and have no desire nor guts to even share my life or fall for anyone else.i am building a wall, my own glass door this time.

went through my posts in the last year, and the memories are still so fresh in my mind. i can taste the happiness of plucking blue berries and catching my sea bass in the castle, the joy of my two kitties since they were eight weeks old and all the food i ate. now i can only find my memories hidden in these posts... only in these posts..