Thursday, December 22, 2011

ask and you shall be given, seek and you shall find

we always hear this line 'ask and you shall be given, seek and you shall find'. up to this day i held it true till i realised otherwise. only moved to arizona for four days and i am feeling a little down..and not expecting to take this long to adapt. gave up my life and friends in the name of love and not necessarily happy being stuck in this one bedroom apartment talking to my chicken ready for roast or trying to expend my energy on the machines in the gym, i try. i love my bf but when your life is being sync into his and every consideration is toward his work, his time,it does feel rather strange. 
i always say the equation to celine's happiness = love+a lot of food+a lot of physical intimacy..simple as it sounds, its hard to achieve. here in cactus land, a lot of food nor bubble tea is not an option, so the former and latter somehow i thought will have to compensate for it. unfortunately, its not happening the way i wished it would. 
why in the world am i always the one who's initiating a long passionate kiss or even need to make appointments for any love from bf to bf?they might ask 'why do you need to make appointments?' funny..isn't it cos if i hadn't been waiting this long and not knowing what and when, then i would not have had the need to put myself on your calendar to make myself feel better..who wants to make an appointment for a deep french kiss or dance in the kitchen?seriously. why can't we remember to live like everyday is the last day and even with weary work, we attempt to snap out of our boring routines and not be just potato couches or only interact in front of the glaring box?why can't we tell people how much we love or miss them constantly or even a stranger how good she looks walking down the street as there might not be another tomorrow? perhaps, i am the only follower of carpe diem and have become too demanding in anyone's views. boys tell me they are not in the mood, or they are tired, which i understand and i keep waiting,from weekdays to weekends then weekdays come back again..endlessly... yes of course, my life is sync with theirs, but do they even realise i have my times and my moods and my timely needs too?never keep a scorpio waiting for too long..for it might be long gone...
funny how when you are feeling blue, you talk to your friends and they tell you how a 'rockstar' you are and of course not literally but you are 'a star who shines too brightly'.. was a really sweet gesture and it brightened my day up a little. but to be honest, i rather have my beloved bf whom i adore so much telling me that rather than another guy. then i wondered, why is it so hard to compliment someone, and thinking upon it, i do not remember my bf ever complimenting me except the few occasions in my cooking. in fact, the only thing i remember clearly would be him nagging at my every outfit i try to put on and not telling me how good i look in any of them. then you ask shamelessly for a compliment and still not get it which drives me to think why men think only they have egos to boost and not women?they need to be assured and be thought of Gods but which girl does not want to be thought and adored like a Goddess?
laying here on his bed, i remember his smell n it awakes me, telling me how  much i love him,how much i wanna spend the rest of my life with but also on the same bed, i feel like a human bolster.. to someone who's like greek God, good to see and not allowed to touch..and as if i am here to serve him..this loss of touch makes me feel surreal and scares me a little. will i end up being like his ex? is he losing interest in me?somehow, his craziness for me seems to have fizzled while i am the one still going crazy alone...
my dream of frolicking in the sand and making out under the stars can perhaps be only kept as a dream. it saddens me and i hate myself for not having enough patience. ask and you shall not be given as have that shall it be.. i had enough of asking, enough of waiting. boys get tired, girls get tired too. i am tired now, going back to sleep...and dear diary, thanks for listening..hopefully now i will not feel so lonely and will keep dreaming...or i just need more time..more time to adjust and smile again..yet another emo day...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Lost in Bermuda

bermuda is two hours by flight from NYC and has always been a place that aroused my curiosity. fortunately for me, i met friends who live there and the last one standing is alan who is also leaving the island in a month. thus, without hesitation, me and my friend lim packed on bags and headed to this sunny island in the middle of the big pacific.

alan picked us up from the airport and we had lunch at a pub with a taste of the bermudian swiffle cocktail under the blazing sun. he then took us to a private beach area near his place and even though it had not much of a coastline nor sand, it was shallow with blue waters and calm. perfect place to hang out just alone or a couple of friends. so lim and i spent the rest of the day waddling looking for corals and caves and though our feet was stung by the rocky bottom, we had great fun. 

we got picked up in the evening and met kellyn, alan's gf and headed to another beach where we chilled with drinks at the hotel bar and hit the waves for a rough ride watching the sun go down. time does go by when you are having fun and after all the wet and wild sessions, we went home to have a little bbq on alan's balcony with a fresh serving of grilled wahoo that he caught the day before and it was as delis as it can get...

wahoo and mushrooms...
the next few days, we explored a few more beaches..of which my favorite was the day when alan took us out on his little speedy was a great day, weather was perfectly hot and with the unusual calm waters, we sped to visit George town which was one of bermuda's top some serious chinese takeout for our lunch and went to our final destination. The Castle Point beach. 

Alan swimming to get his boat where he parks :P

i have been to mexico and hawaii to countless beaches but by far, this is the top of my charts. i felt like i was in the movie pirates of the carribean stepping into a quiet uninhabited beach with clean pink (seriously you can see literally pink sand) waves of sand and meters of 100 percent visibility crystal clear water with schools of fish swimming by. the beauty was unimaginable. after enjoying our chinese noodles and some buckets of beer, i laid on the soft sand and waddled around the water appreciating the sun, the peace this place has brought me.

was sad to leave this insanely awesome place but we had to go before dark. our night ended up at our friend suresh and his room mate isandar's place where they both are chefs from malaysia and cooked us a storm of home made indian fish curry and sambal over grilled fish...all freshly caught by alan and suresh...nothing can beat this lovely meal with fresh coconut juice that suresh plucked effortlessly from his tree right out in the back yard. was quite a fun experience and most of all, good friends made :P

our last day was spent with lim and i riding on alan's scooter to the famous light house for scenic views and a fulfilling brunch..later hitting one of alan's favorite beach named the Horseshoe beach. 

however already listed my top beach, the horse shoe was nothing in comparison even though it is rated one of the most popular beaches in bermuda. the main beach was had stronger waves and a lot of people and kids which was not my favorite but the other side was a little more enjoyable. calm and shallow rocky water but with little holes to sit and hide from the sun. guess the most fun part about this beach is that it has schools of small fish that fills up the water making it seem like its silver in color and you can just spend the whole afternoon trying to catch them. 

ps: this is the formal classic wear by bermudians. lol

my bermuda trip was as fun as it gets and its all thanks to alan and friends that i saw a side of this island that many would not have known. i still dream of the sand and waters and looking forward to go back for another do nothing session but meanwhile, i will just keep re looking at my pictures :P

Thursday, September 8, 2011

surprise surprise!!!!

its tough giving surprises...i know that as i have never been quite surprised before...but decided to give one this year...when ian was in thailand, i was just randomly checking tickets for our oct roadtrip and this is five days after we left each other...checked and suddenly it became sept as i could not bear the thought of not seeing him for so long...came up to almost $300, and within the next two mins, i booked a ticket and said to myself 'why not?''..of course, i knew jobs would come up the next day for that two weeks that i am away and funny thing is i did not even know if ian was gonna be around..haha

held my breath trying to  keep this secret for the next three weeks and all my friends around me thought i was mad. they said 'what if you buzz his door and see him making out with another chick? what if hes not home? what if he doesnt welcome you for such a long vacation he did not know about?' wow didn't know there were so many what ifs... well figured if those what ifs happen, i will know and figure something out then...what's new?hasn't my life been always a huge what if?

anyhoos, made my ways to the airport and decided to email  him to let him know just half hour before take a call from him and he sounded really excited. only down thing was he had to borrow his friend's car to pick me up as i had a big luggage. haha. i was real excited too as its been too long trying to count down days...

we spent the whole of next 14 days together...well not really as he had a super busy crappy schedule at work which also turned my body clock upside down waiting for him just to make him noodle soup at 3am in the morning and get a hug...but i guess it's all worth it. can't deny i was a little upset some point in that two weeks that we could not spend as much time together as i fact, i think i spent more time at his pool...but hey, at least, i get to steal his bolster back to nyc and to redeem my three magic words that i awaited over skype for so long..hehe. and now, my favorite words are 'love love' and 'miss you' even though i rather not say 'miss you'. our pact was not to say miss you when we are around each other. hopefully one day, those words won't exist in my world anymore...

now, i am back in the big apple, counting down the days without him and waiting for the day i can see him again. the only thing i can return to once again are those funny recordings of him attempting to sing and play for me...awwwwwwwww

my first time in LASSSS VEGASSSS!

everyone talks about Las Vegas and makes it sound like its always Hangover the movie and all my nine years in the States, i never been there. finally this august on my visit to AZ, ian took me on a preview one night trip to Vegas. 
we rented a cool retro pumpkin color Dodge car and had quite a drive along never ending desert and cactus to our first destination and had a delish malaysian meal with curry fishhead, fried intestines and of course our favorite hainanese chicken rice. then we checked into our hotel the Mirage and it was packed with people and cars..everywhere. we walked along 'the strip' hopping from one hotel to another and i just realised how big this place can be. every hotel had its own theme and was rather interesting to see..esp the part where the fountain performs i finally know, where oceans 11 was filmed..haha

anyways, we headed to this hotel Rio for their supposedly decent seafood buffet...lined up like all normal people and hungry. unfortunately to our disappointment, the food was terrible and seafood was not fresh with sashimi chopped randomly and piled up like a hill and dessert overly just sweet and nothing else. best part of the buffet was actually the fresh cut fruit. guess you cant really go wrong against nature. me and ian found it so hilarious how bad buffets can be especially hearing all about  the great eats of the end,  i had to get a choc milkshake while he got a yard of frozen margarita to make up for

returned back to the casinos and we started playing slots..the game where you perpetually just lose...the game that i call the robbers game. basically telling the casinos, 'just take my wallet pls'...but was fun with all the fancy lights and pictures that you do not even comprehend...later we headed to the craps table (another game i dont get) and ian had a hell of a time throwing the dice across the table..and of course donating more money to more worthy cause..haha..we were beat at the end of the night...but it was a lovely day...not quite a Hangover experience..maybe next time :P

Sunday, August 7, 2011

distance makes the heart wonder...and wander...

been back in new york city for three weeks now and my life has changed tremendously in this short period of time. in between looking for a room to rent, i squatted illegally at a friend's abandoned apartment as she moved and her landlord ran away declaring bankruptcy. no gas and no hot water, this was a most shady and bizarre living experience. but because of this vulnerable situation, something or rather someone came into my life. 

ian came over three days after i came back and lived through one week in the squatter with me and meeting him only the second time since we met, it was a randomly unexpected fast romance that sprouted between us but also one that i wished it last. there was nothing as comfortable as watching a movie with him or sharing a whiskey and just a hug or a kiss. simple but satisfying and makes me feel that that is all i ever need..him.

could not bear the thought of him leaving, i booked a ticket and made my way to super hot Arizona, a place that i never ever thought of going. did not step out of the gate for four days and i was still happy, happy to wait for him to come home in his green uniform, happy to snuggle to sleep. 

now we are back to reality. miles apart from each other, 12 hour time difference, i found it really hard to keep up with the talking and skyping. only been ten days and i am feeling the toll of missing him terribly, of not being to touch him only to see him on my 14 inch screen or just flipping the pictures we have or half videos that i took of him. even though i know it is a short time before i see ian again, time seems to be lagging so slowly that it is killing me slowly in its own time. 

it is uncertain what my or our future might be. the only certain thing i know for sure is that on christmas day this year, i will be kissing my prince charming under 15 mistletoes which we hope our love lasts for 15 lifetimes.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

2011 dream

in the break of dawn am i writing this, awakened by a dream..or perhaps a nightmare i consider it. i have not written in months as i always put up happy thoughts and i love putting up happy thoughts. today, i am writing otherwise. 

had a dream. i was in boat sailing to a destination and when i got there, i was connected to a vast space, loft like with many rooms. with my bag, i walked past a room with a glass door, and saw a guy on the phone chatting away (this guy i have been dating last two months). i called out to him many times. he did not hear me. he was too busy with his life. and i was not part of it.

i walked on along the corridor and met some strangers that i did not know. suddenly, my two beloved kitties appeared and they seemed a little dirty from the newly cemented floors. i picked them up, walked further on and heard a familiar voice. it was the voice of my last bf in a room. i took the kitties to the washroom and started cleaning them while i hear my bf rambling away to how nice the loft is and all. minutes later when the kitties are bright and clean, i walked back to the room and my bf's image just suddenly faded away like ghost. 

awaken from this random dream, i teared. even though it was a memory of the past from half a year ago, the pain shook me. this was a relationship so close to me, so close to happily after and when it ended so abruptly, i was thrown from heaven to hell. my happy family of momo, toto, me and him was shredded into pieces, leaving me in a frozen park in the midst of a new york winter...where for the first time i did not even feel the icy cold for two straight hours cause i was already cold to begin with. too cold, with the warm tears rolling that also turned to ice. 

looking back at my love life, i had many breakups. bfs cheating to one that had his brother compose a breakup email on his behalf, or boys who just dump you for no good enough reason. i begin to realise, my heart is so shattered that i have none left to break despite trying to heal like humpty dumpty. 

there is no right nor wrong in relationships, only love or no love (at least in my view) and i never regretted any good or bad ones i been through,not even flings. everything happens for a reason, i tell myself and in the last one, i put in 200 percent effort and was dreaming of a happy ending. now i am back to square one, dating all over again to discover that men like you, or they say they like you but has a glass door and you can only enter when they want you to or rather when they have time and have no one else to entertain and need a booty call.

why is love so hard?why can't i be like normal people around me who loves and gets loved?being abnormally tall is already difficult enough to grow up and deal with all my life. can't i just have love being easier?just one thing i ask for..other people fat or short or skinny or ugly seem to find love,like picking an apple off the street. friends tell me i am not picky enough with men. that is so not true. i do not view boys as commodities coming along with price tags and i should only pick those with multiple digits. it is all about attraction,about passion, how much you like and have chemistry with each other and how they can share and support you in your life. perhaps i should learn. learn that having the five or six Cs like any other singaporean women will be a better and easier choice. but what is love without passion?

sometimes i wonder, when people are together for a long time, do feelings change?does passion turn to compassion?does love really turn sour?of course it happens, and it definitely is a scary thought and i hope that will not happen to me. i want to be happy, i want someone to make me happy and i want to make them happy and hold my hands for the rest of my life. i am just a simple girl with simple wishes.

was attempting to jog around my estate the other day and ran past this young couple. they apparently went grocery shopping and had a heavy bag or probably rice. one bag two hands..they both carried the same bag with one hand together and it was really sweet.that is the perfect picture of how love should be. it put a smile on my face and i also wondered when will i have the luxury of enjoying some sweet love in my own life. but for now, i have no room for heartbreaks and have no desire nor guts to even share my life or fall for anyone else.i am building a wall, my own glass door this time.

went through my posts in the last year, and the memories are still so fresh in my mind. i can taste the happiness of plucking blue berries and catching my sea bass in the castle, the joy of my two kitties since they were eight weeks old and all the food i ate. now i can only find my memories hidden in these posts... only in these posts..